I woke in the night at 3 am, not unusual for spiritual folk, with a sentence ringing through my mind
“The insatiable desire to be different”
Earlier the other day I had an internal conflict come about stubbornness, and why I always seem to find myself on the hardest path. Austin and I just finished watching the Lord of the Rings series and compared our journey to that of Frodo and Sam trekking all the way with a heavy burden to Mordor. I’m not being dramatic in saying that we’ve felt this way pretty much our entire twenties, always finding ourselves on yet another long, harsh journey to our destination that always seemed farther away than before. It started with finishing college and resisting a “matrix job” to instead live a poor life and travel with intentions of healing and finding our soul’s calling (which, we did by the way). Then when it came to wanting to buy land or a house to start our homestead, we got turned down for four years because our incomes weren’t enough at first, and then when we had a down payment and Austin’s successful business, we got turned down yet again because it didn’t meet the “system’s standards.” Though being stubborn in my ways has served me in the past by protecting me from things that weren't safe for me & my body, it is appearing so now that it's not necessary to continue this way anymore.
We’re at the end of this journey with a choice to move forward on yet another “trail to Mordor,” or to surrender into a path that the Universe deems best for us. We are finally at the point of meeting those standards - a down payment and two years of self employed income - and a choice. Do we want to settle for something that will make us happy and comfortable now, or do we want to go down a path of building something from nothing when we may not be ready?
In my last post I mentioned that I found a group of lovely people in my area that started a 5D community circle. We get together once every two weeks and talk about a topic and 5D perspectives of living in this new paradigm. “The Matrix” is no more, these old systems that held us captive are no more either; it is just our own perceptions, traumas, and limiting beliefs that hold us back. No external source has control over us anymore, we are all free to be sovereign, free, and joyful - living life in alignment and pleasure. We just need to get out of our own ways to do so. To let go of all the stuff that was holding humanity back when it actually was controlled. Having this group is so affirming, healing, and freeing to be able to share openly and express what it is that we’re holding back inside of us so we can live free, sovereign lives. No one is saving no one here, it is through compassion, love, being heard, and understanding that we can free ourselves.
After meditation and a little bit of learning, the leader of the group asked each of us around the circle to share our earliest & best memory to demonstrate that 5D already exists and what it feels like from our own frame of being. Most of us shared experiences from when we were five years old, feelings of freedom, being held by nature, quiet & self-allowance, fun, individuality. When the sharing came to me, I explained a story from my childhood.
When I was five, my family moved to a new house in the country, a quaint neighborhood called Blueberry Hill. My mom and dad built our house with the help of a few friends and contractors. It stood two stories tall with an evergreen door and shutters, neatly placed on the corner of Sunset Dr with an ash tree growing in the front yard. There were tall trees, spots of forests, old cottages, and at the bottom of our street was a beach and a dock for small boats. My dad would take my sisters and me down there on bike rides all the time and we’d go swimming at the beach, or we’d go down to the docks to catch tiny blue gills, rock bass, and perch. If we were lucky, we’d catch large mouth bass and that was the ultimate trophy. These were some of my best memories, playing in the forget-me-nots, finding frogs and toads and kissing them goodbye. Each day was a grand adventure, as there was always someone new to meet at the docks, whether they’d be the slippery fish I’d take off the line to smooch before throwing them back, or the mysterious baby snapping turtles with pig snouts for noses. One day I saw a gar-fish resting on top of the glassy black water, my heart pounding with excitement and eyes wide as suns of seeing something so rare for me! My dad taught us how to slither the worm on the hook, and explained to slide the palm of our hands down the top fins of the fish for grabbing to remove the hook, to avoid getting stabbed by their needly pricks. Anytime we would go down there, it was the best day of my life, swooshing down the hills under towering trees on our bikes and racing home in laughter.
Next we were invited to share a moment in life when we experienced the opposite of that, or what created a story pattern that we ended up living out in life. The time came to me again and I shared one of those days we went to the lake to fish.
Everything was fine, until the man living across the tiny marina came and talked with my dad. It was strange watching this as my dad became unhappy with him, muttering unheard words under his breath as the man left. Later, a policeman came by and gave my dad a ticket because he was fishing without a license, and in a private marina where supposedly, fishing wasn’t allowed. My dad was embarrassed and submissive in the moment, I could tell, though seething inside at the stupidity of what was happening. Why on earth was it bad or wrong to be fishing with his girls, catch and release mind you, and to receive a ticket for something so pure and innocent? He wasn’t a man to hide his inner anger and expressed it when the police left. While it happened I remember sitting on a wooden lawn chair staring down at the forget-me-nots and toads in the culvert, waiting for it to end. He was just showing us love and fun, and those people tried to tell us we couldn’t and punished us.
This was the start of me rebelling against the system, for surely it wasn’t right for any system “for the people” to ticket innocence and discourage purity of the soul, or even to put a limit on what you could experience for free out of nature. From then on out it seemed I resisted any sort of “system,” "authority," or “matrix” even when it came to how life is on this planet, and rebelling against my dad in high school and college.
This story shared with me the “incessant desire to be different,” in the sense that I’ve been observing mainstream society and clearly moving the other way, like “nope! Not going to follow you guys in your injustice ways…” Injustice for people, planet, and self. It has also caused me to move into the “rebel against society” group of people who hold onto beliefs and patterns that aren’t sustainable, ie: veganism & diets, suppressing parts of our beings that want to be expressed (like beauty, pleasure, and hygiene), work-exchange & moneyless living, living poorly just to avoid having to pay people for basic living needs, very strict spiritual “rules,” refusing help & isolationism, conspiracy theories, only buying “natural & organic” clothing, waste-free living, choosing not to work but also not working for the self, the list goes on. What I didn’t realize though is that this “incessant desire to be different” is just another victim trap, because it sets the stage for “them vs. me.”
Looking back now, I see clearly. Though I whole heartedly believe in sustainable, regenerative, holistic healing, radical spirituality, extraterrestrials & other beings, earthen homes, etc; I feel like I’ve hidden myself in these extremes to where I won’t even consider anything else and become so rigid and stubborn to where it hinders me and hurts my being. My body has been asking for certain things lately that I refused to listen to. I’ve heard the call to start something new for myself, but these thoughts of “conforming to the system” kept me in my stubbornness. My financial situation is asking me to embrace frugality and resourceful living as a means of finding better ways of letting in abundance, yet I thought that meant having scarcity mindset and continued on doing things I may not have needed to do. I’m being called down a lifestyle path that may look like a detour for my “plan” but may become something so much better. I must consider all aspects of myself that need to be loved, to embrace the polarities of life and to unify them for myself in a happy medium. To also just recognize when a change is asking to happen and to move into that direction with ease & grace. Someone recently said something about the pendulum swinging, and that describes this perfectly, though there’s no need to have to get to the extremes anymore to change directions of movement.
Though many star races that seeded us here, whose DNA we hold within, evolved to a point to where they didn’t need to consume other beings for food, who do have free and sovereign civilizations, who can live in harmony with their planet, and are spiritually evolved to be a self-regulating energy source for themselves - we humans must accept the reality that we cannot just be them in such a short amount of time. I see these potentials for humanity, and have been doing my best to try to exist in these new paradigms, but in many ways my body isn’t there yet. My reality isn’t there yet and it isn’t a matter of building a new way in a day. We live lifetimes for reasons and must accept the 3D (I’m talking third density) of this planet we are on. We can have beautiful visions for this planet and for humanity, and it is true that we can start these visions, but alas we must be able to work with time and our own healing to get there. We cannot force this upon ourselves if we have things to let go of, bodies to heal and evolve. It just can’t happen overnight.
After sharing my piece of the story for the group, most of them nodding with me in utter agreement when I said “rebelling against the system,” it all clicked for me. There are reasons for the systems we are under right now. No, I’m not talking about the whole “new world order, plandemic, government control” systems that are currently falling and crashing like the evil eye’s tower in LOTR, though these things are helping us see issues we can free ourselves from - I’m talking about the basic living systems of Planet Earth right now. I agree that there are laws, organizations, and systems that are incredibly restricting and maybe shouldn’t be there, though maybe are there to teach us something. But we must consider the following.
In a meditation the other night, I spent some time reaching out to the Pleiadians. This topic deserves a whole different post but I will keep it short here. I’ve been feeling in a place of total surrender, a feeling of “gee, I’ve tried everything and tried to bend my world to my will, and nothing is happening.” Just feeling completely helpless and disappointed in my life. To be honest, I stopped listening to my soul awhile ago because I wanted so badly for things to happen “my way, right now,” I was being stubborn and wouldn’t budge a bit to allow a different “how” to manifest for me. The funny thing about manifesting is you can set your intentions for your desires, visualize and feel them in your life now - but you have NO control over the how, and must surrender that to the universe. Last year after I came out with my second zine, after being guided to purchase 100 copies to sell (a big number for me at the time), I entered into meditation to express my doubts of selling them because I don’t resonate with pushing my products online. It doesn’t feel useful to me, but seemed like the only way for me at the time. The guidance that came through was this:
“Your job is to create right now, let us do the ‘marketing’ and selling for you. We will bring you the right people for your creations.”
I was relieved, yes, and continued on finishing old projects and listening to the guidance. After awhile it dawned upon me that I would eventually run out of money if I didn’t start bringing some in, which is why I started having these feelings of doubt and disappointment. So, I didn’t allow the “how” to happen naturally (and decided not to follow more guidance of exploring local ways of selling) and put all of my energy into marketing and building a following online, which happened at snail speed for what I felt I needed. When the “how” doesn’t happen the way or as fast I want it to, my hate for the system and the things that restrict me from my ultimate goal - starting a homestead & having a stable home life - come in.
So, the other night, I asked the Pleiadians about taxes and business requirements. This whole money system thing angers me so, but they explained it so wonderfully, helping me make peace with the way things are with the Earth systems right now.