"It was just a normal day. I woke up, expecting to just spend some time on projects and play out in the garden. My aunt messaged me and told me my dad didn’t pick up my grandma for their morning date, and she was concerned. My dad never missed anything.
A few hours later, I got a text from my sister. “Dad’s gone.” It said. My family was too hysterical to call, so I waited patiently to talk to my mom. Immediately I started bawling, hyperventilating. I didn’t get to say good bye. I had no idea this would happen. He was my best friend.
Just days before we chatted on a video call. We talked to each other at least once a week this way, to keep in touch even though we lived more than a thousand miles apart. Our relationship had grown stronger in the last year, and it was almost impossible to be separated ever again. I had so many hopes and dreams for the two of us, maybe we would start a farm together some day. We always talked about him visiting Sedona and getting blasted with high vibes, and who knows? Maybe we’ll see a UFO. I’d never have a weekly call with him again. I’d never hug him and hear him say, “I love you so much Ash.”
Here I am five months later. I'm not going to lie, I didn't think losing my dad would feel so... lighthearted? But it truly has. Knowing that there is more to us than just our physical existence makes this easier for me because I know he isn't actually gone. He no longer resides in our physical, 3-D plane of existence, rather he's just a spirit exploring other realms. I can call him to chat with him whenever, though his answers may be different than I can perceive with the five senses. I feel like my relationship with him is so much more fun now because there is mystery in the way we communicate!
So, why lighthearted? That's just the way I choose to look at things. I can let this affect me as a trauma - or - I can see the higher purpose in all of this and accept that he did decide to move on to lighter things. I don't want to get nitty gritty about this, but he wasn't very happy here before he died... he had a lot weighing him down. Part of me feels grateful that he decided to move on because not only is he lighter, but the rest of my family feels lighter too. All of that heaviness has been lifted and it feels so great.
I had a profound experience yesterday with my dad.
But this starts last Monday when his truck was delivered to Sedona.
I decided to inherit his truck as my own, to finally allow myself to own a vehicle and to have some freedom. When it got here, there were a ton of problems going on... the e-brake was stuck, the 4x4 was stuck and shifting out of place, and the engine needed a tuneup. After a week of truck drama, I had the spark plugs replaced and had the local mechanic fix anything else that was wrong with it. By Thursday, things were smooth sailing!
Over the weekend, I was really missing my dad. Having his truck now made me think about him all. the. time. It is like his symbol! Everytime I see it I think of him. So I asked him to show up for me in my dreams, to show he was still around. To help me with my current endeavors. Then I let go and forgot about this little moment.
Austin and I went to Flagstaff on Sunday to go hiking and skating. We found ourselves wandering around an old volcanic site, a place called Old Caves Crater. Peculiar... I had no idea we'd be sitting in some caves at the top of a hill. Black volcanic stone littered the landscape as alligator junipers crawled between the shadows. The veil felt thin here, like it was possible to be in two dimensions at once. I'm not sure where I went, but as I meditated for a few minutes inside one of these caves, I saw a few things coming to my attention. First, I saw symbols pouring into my head, my crown chakra, symbols that I've never seen from Earth. It doesn't surprise me, these things. If it was "intergalactic" or from ET's, then so cool! I've had lots of this stuff happen to me before. I feel these symbols were "upgrading me," or helping me heal something so I could move forward. The second thing was a piece of yellow paper with the words "A LETTER FROM DAD" on it. There were lines underneath, but no other meaning than the letter from him. Interesting... I thought as I went about my day, and forgot about it for awhile.
That night, the cold settled in.
For the next few days, I battled with a cold. I usually don't get sick unless there's a reason for it, mostly healing purposes. Monday I kinda blew it off, just going about my day normally. Tuesday, I got progressively worse, but still continued to work. Wednesday I was just done. I had to do NOTHING all day just so I could feel like myself again. I was feeling pretty emotional too. After cleaning the Air Bnb, I got some orange juice, a box of Kleenex, and fell asleep on the garden swing for the afternoon. A handy man is putting a bathroom in my room, so I can't be in my space right now, and there are guests coming and going here, so it is best to prevent any Sparky barking by staying in the garden...
I woke up feeling a little better, so I decided to move my camp into the truck. I wanted to sleep in the backseat while the handyman finished and the guests arrived. Another hour I slept until I heard him pull out of the driveway. It was time to get my night started in my room, resting, doing more nothing. While I cooked some soup for dinner and got everything ready downstairs, I quickly picked a card out of the Mermaids and Dolphins oracle deck we keep on the coffee table. I asked the deck, "What message do I need right now?" Healing Heart was the card I picked, which instantly clicked with me. I could feel that too, that this sickness was healing my heart.
All settled in downstairs, I wanted to do more NOTHING and watch some kid movies. I never watch anything for pleasure anymore, rather purposeful and something I can learn from. It was nice to go onto Netflix and click the children's movies tab and pick something out. It didn't take long to decide to watch the new Christopher Robin and Mary Poppins Returns movies...
Little did I know I'd be spending the next three hours bawling my eyes out!!
It was in these three hours that my dad really connected with me. I could feel his presence, I could feel what he had to say to me. He had a clear message for me and I definitely heard it through these movies! When I was a kid, these two movies (the originals...) were our favorites to watch together. My sisters, dad, and I would watch Disney movies all the time and reference them often... "Spit spot!" We loved the magical feeling they brought, and often lived magically in our everyday lives. Some of these memories were buried by the heaviness I talked about earlier, but now life feels more lighthearted.
There were a few things from the movies that really got to me, that left an imprint to help me move forward here.
1. Never grow up. So often we grow up too fast and forget the magic in life. Sometimes when I work too much, I lose this part of me and it takes ages to find it again. There is magic in just being a kid, even as an adult. You're never "weird" or "irresponsible" for being playful and childlike! Think of yourself as your ideal parent - taking care of the little, 8 year old you inside. How would you treat yourself? How would the 8 year old you play? In Christopher Robin, he grows up and moves away from the 100 acre woods and becomes a stone adult, one with no fun or playfulness in him. Then Winnie the Pooh comes and saves him from losing himself completely, and his family. It touched me so!
2. Doing nothing always leads to something. This was something that Christopher Robin and Pooh talk about in the movie, which I experienced yesterday ten fold. I decided to spend my day doing nothing, (which is a rare occasion for me!) and I ended up having this amazing spiritual experience by the end of it. Epiphanies for days. There is definitely an art to doing nothing. Isn't it funny how humans spend so much time doing and sooooo much less time being? We are human beings after all, shouldn't we just... be? I love Pooh's simple and innocent mind, he just lives simply, following the seasons. Everyday is a new day. This whole film made me think of autumn and just watching the leaves fall off the trees, relaxing and finally celebrating the excitement of summer.
3. The dead are never gone. After watching Christopher Robin, I put on Mary Poppins Returns. In the film, the kids lose their mother (super relatable to my situation!) and the family was about to lose their house. During their troubles of trying to solve the impossible of coming up with the full amount for their home loan, the family had a tender moment singing about how they missed their mom. They sang that she isn't gone, she's just "in the place where the lost things go." To me, this is beautiful. It is like what I was saying above. The dead are never gone, they just transition into something else... we may not be able to perceive them in the same way, but it requires us to open up our hearts to the wonder any mystery around communicating with them again.
4. There's nowhere to go but up. At the end of the film, everyone grabbed magical balloons and floated in the sky as a musical number. They just achieved the impossible and felt so grateful and joyful like never before. This quote stuck with me - sometimes when we are working so hard on something, we just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. We just keep hustling to finish it. I think my dad wanted me to see this so I could realize that no matter how low I'm feeling, or how much never ending work I have, that this is going to work for me. My dreams are coming true and there's nowhere for me to go but up from here!
By the end of all of this, I felt more lighthearted than I had in months. It was amazing that he answered my call, and let me know a few days in advance with subtle signs and "downloads" that he'd be visiting. The letter. The oracle deck. The truck. I felt hopeful, like anything was possible, and that I hadn't lost my dad. He was still with me, sharing guidance from the higher realms. My face was indeed, crusty from all the tears and wet at the same time... but crying is good. It helps us release repressed emotions, (for me, maybe some grief...) and helps us move on, like a flowing river. You just have to keep on going, like the river.
I hope you have a lovely day, adventurers. Until next time.
Sending you love