Spring was a month late here, but finally came. This winter was dark and introverted, and brought up so many things for healing and transmutation. Things I thought I’d never have to encounter again. I was deeply rooted in a way of life that wasn’t serving me any longer, the goddess trying her best to pull those roots out to transplant me somewhere better. It wasn’t a matter of moving anywhere, but rather a mindset and lifestyle shift.
I thought I made it. I finally got to a point in my life where I was detached from the “3D world” and felt victorious. I no longer had to live in “low vibe land.” But here I was, living in swampy muck. Or perhaps, too high in the clouds where there were no people. I was alone. If you follow along with me on YouTube maybe you saw some of my videos… sharing the feelings of this loneliness. There’s been many times this has happened to me, and I’m learning this is one of those cycles of life that one goes through. I feel it especially so being a woman, going through cycles is part of being one. These cycles are never ending, no matter how much my linear human mind wants to believe that so. Wouldn’t it be nice to get somewhere and that’s it? Being able to relax for a little while and enjoy the roses? Yet, there’s never a destination on this journey even though I want it so badly so. Even if there were a destination would I be happy?
I love manifesting work and spent much of 2021 in devoted dedication dreaming up what I wanted my future to look like. I was blessed with a tranquil atmosphere and peace in nature while creating my online space for Adventures Across, this blog and the web shop too. It was all perfect, I finally had a space to create and post my creations where people could find them. I accomplished my goals for sovereignty online, having my own website instead of using Etsy, and a place to write freely without having to worry about meeting guidelines and rules. After my trip to Sedona in October, life slowed down and I went deep into a cave within myself to contemplate - is this what I really wanted?
Though my life in my dreamland was going very smoothly, my physical world was crumbling. I’ve heard this is common for people on a spiritual path to encounter. Going through initiations, growth periods, times of self inquiry, really testing a person to see if yeah, they do really want something. I had to consult my heart many times, and go through a veiled process of blind faith. All this started happening when I quit smoking cannabis and started eating animal products again. I thought I was going crazy and my mental health faltered. Existing was… debilitating. Our winter was long and cold as well, and I had no creative fire inside of me. I was truly in a dark time, wondering how I’d ever make it. I started to doubt my spirituality, how could the universe, goddess, source, allow me to be in this darkness? What did I do to deserve this? I followed my heart and higher self with such devotion and honor, yet here I was crying mournful tears of grief everyday. I allowed myself to disconnect from my spiritual self, angry at her for bringing me on this path of my heart to lead me a.) nowhere at the end of the year, and b.) my human life was just about to fall in the ocean.
I had to let it go and do something.
I totally surrendered to life.
The way I was feeling made it impossible for me to create anything. Here I had my website and webshop ready but inside I was dead. I couldn’t sell anything to bring me financial income, which is where my trouble lied. Something that happened in my dreamland was I stopped believing in myself and my ability to make money. It seems silly, though when you get the opportunity to take a break from working, and can manifest random cash, the drive to work a 9-5 job can look… undesirable. Surely it’s much more fun flowing with the river of your own life when it comes to lifestyle and creation! I also had negative experiences having many jobs that paid so little, and I identified working as having to do masculine hard labor, which often left me drained and hating work. I decided years ago I didn't want that for myself. But I also never wanted to run out of motivation and inspiration to create, and to stop believing in myself.
After I went to Michigan and washed windows with Austin a few times, I knew I had to go out and get a job. This is what the goddess was gently transplanting me to do. So many tears I cried, and not for having to go and work, but for how grief ridden and sad I was for having to give up my dreams of being and artist and author and work somewhere else. I felt like I failed myself, like I was betraying myself, and my inner child, for giving up when I just finished getting the foundation set up for my work. The creative dam inside of me is blocked up right now with projects I need to finish and get out there, it is so overwhelming I’m just about frozen in time. I took my ice body to my family’s house a few times and they let me cry it out and helped me back into the working world. My sister helped me get my resume together and I remembered other dreams I had in the past that came back to the surface. Someday, whenever the timing is right I will have my own farm growing vegetables and other rare things in the Midwest. There was a time when I had to put those dreams aside because the timing wasn’t right, and I had no means for buying myself the land to get started.
Sometimes in a forest, or even a prairie, certain plants will take a break from coming up to flower and bloom because the conditions aren’t right. It could be too cold this year, or too hot the next, so they lie dormant in the dark soil, Mother Earth’s womb. I’m finding this happenstance similar to how life goes on a dreamers canvas. I’m a dream chaser, and I always get what I set my mind out to, though dreams definitely take time to flourish, and sometimes they need to be put away for awhile and attention set on something else. This to me is what it feels like to live multidimensionally. We have all these aspects of ourselves floating around in our energetic fields, or if you’re a fan of Abraham, in our vortexes. We have access to them at any point, yet it’s a matter of resonance and timing to be birthed into the physical that we must be patient for. Once we set intentions for our desires and give them to goddess or source, we must let them go and move on with our lives. For me anyways, they always seems to manifest to a T. We don’t get to decide when. That is left to the divine and is always a surprise and miracle. Yet, when we set our minds to something, it is us that create the miracles because we are made of goddess/source ourselves.
I sent my resume to 10 places around my area. My resume showed to me that clearly my expertise was in vegetable growing and plant care, with a healthy dose of pollinator plants and prairie restoration. I’m no expert on these things by any means, though I do find myself loving them naturally and getting lost in the work and research. I feel like it’s been eons since I’ve written about plants here since so much of my latest attention has gone to consciousness and my emotional health. But alas, my human self is a plant caretaker. A few interviews later, I landed a job at a local tomato and flower farm, something right up my alley.
The synchronicities and relevancy of this job for my lifestyle and dreams are spot on. Tomatoes are my favorite plants to work with and flowers make my soul come alive. There’s thousands of tomatoes and flowers I’ll be caring for this season. It was also apparent to me that I needed to come into alignment with my femininity if I were to move forward in life in the way I was intending, and this job has me surrounded with so many women. What else? The farm owner runs her online business on exactly the same platforms that mine run on, thus giving me skills to help out in admin ways too. So far I’ve been giving myself medicine I need by working here as it is building up my self confidence once more and I’m feeling great about exchanging my time for money. And, perhaps, this woman run farm is a reflection of what my future could look like if I still decide I want to pursue that dream. My heart genuinely loves working here too, it is satisfying and fills me up.
It occurred to me many times that a dream may not be manifesting because I’m not ready to live in that state. I’m not an energetic match for it yet. This is so true. And there’s no forcing the being ready stage! I’ve tried that too and man was that a hard lesson… I'm realizing that there's no linear path to living the life I desire, yet I can live it today if I choose. And although I have dreams and a vision for being an author/artist, maybe I'm not fully there yet. Could I handle all it takes to be an author, the things that go along with it? Making appearances in public about my books? If I'm going to be honest with myself, I'm not really ready to go on tours or anything, and that's okay.
Long story short, my spring and eclipse season has been going so much more in alignment. I’ve grown so much in such a little amount of time. Life does that though, it transforms and transmutes us to bring us right where we need to be. If we allow it to happen in flow, cry it out and follow the path, we can definitely experience ease and grace in the process. And even more so, slowing down to enjoy the process.
I didn’t know if I’d ever enjoy working again. But I am, it’s satisfactory and fulfilling on so many levels.