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Exercise for Letting go of the Past + The Dream that Almost Tipped my Boat




Phew, I’m feeling much better now.


I woke up this morning from a profound dream. Here, I’ll tell it again. (For the purpose of privacy, I replaced the real name of the person I’m talking about with “Herb,” his name is Herb in this post!)


Dream:


{{I was at a school or university, just going about my business. There was a girl (who I think is my “inner critic” or all of my traumas embodied as a person in my dream) who was dangerous to me. Like she was after me, wanted to torture me. To kill me. She was so toxic to my wellbeing that it was like being followed by a creature from a horror film. One day, I was walking to class and Herb grabbed my hand and told me we had to go. Now. So, we ran for ages. Through the town, through neighborhoods. We arrived at a fence and a colored guy our age met us, he told us we had to pole vault over the fence and we could be safe in the safe house. So, we did just that and went inside. The house was sorta messy and hazy, but it was safe from her. She couldn’t get inside and I was completely safe. The room was in the back of a restaurant, purple napkins and white table cloths. Herb and I lay in a bed to go to sleep, and he kissed me softly. Slid his hand over mine which was over my head and held it, said “I love you Ashley,” and we fell asleep. I woke up and felt heavy, like I’d been sleeping way too long. It felt like weeks, and the people in the room changed who were watching me. A girl with brown hair and glasses, sorta chubby sat on the bed next to me. I asked how long I’d been sleeping and she said about five years. Five years!! I couldn’t believe it, I looked under the bed and saw some old ass cell phones of which l looked at to read some of the texts from when I was sleeping. I don’t remember what they said… but I asked where Herb was. They said I was now in Colorado and he was in Louisiana. I wanted to travel to find him, and two old friends (who now had kids) said they’d take me to see him. And so we went, though the dream ended here.}}


This dream to me signals deeppppppp transformation. My life has changed SO much in 5 years! I grew, I healed my relationship with my dad, I went from hating money to loving it and feeling rich, I healed so much inner garbage within myself, and I also found myself and what I love to do. I’m traveling the world one country at a time. I’m meeting so many new people. I met the love of my life. I moved across the country. I’m shifting into a new life, one that is of much higher vibration! I went from powerless to powerful and LOVE myself and what I do with my life! My inner critic, shadow self no longer rules my life. My higher self does. All this started when I met Austin five years ago, and together we’re like transcending space and time. It’s like Herb was the last person I needed to send me off into this five year period of healing to transition me. But I fell in love with him, and miss him and our connection dearly. Hence, the rocking of my emotional boat today.


I feel like I’ve had a dream before where he said he loved me, or kissed me… and that triggered me to contact him - which led me to getting a new pocket knife from him and almost cutting my finger off. (We bonded over pocket knives in college because they were badass, and while we were best buds he gave me one to protect myself with. Those creepy boys were after me yo.) Because of those feelings, this came up. They came up for me right now, and yes I’ve done a bit of FBing and browsing… he’s single again - which happened last time. Part of me longs to talk to him again, but I don’t think it’ll do me any good. I’ll just go down that rabbit hole again and let my emotions take over. IF he contacts me out of the blue, I will talk to him, but I will not initiate it. As I busied myself today and found happiness in the moment, I quickly forgot about him. He was after all, depressed the last time I talked to him and I feel that he isn’t in line with his heart. Which sucks so bad for him. I don’t need to lower my vibration to help him, or anyone else for that matter. They can come up and match me by letting their shit go! Besides the point.


I went into a trance as I picked up some more soil for my friends. I felt conflicted as I listened to surf rock for a couple of hours. I love surf rock - so chill and smooth, like gliding on some waves yo. Well, I thought of him the whole time. Like, how is he doing? What if I did contact him? Is he still on Prozac? I talked to my dad’s picture on the dash - should I contact Herb? “Yes, just message him, it wouldn’t hurt,” he replied in my head. I laughed. What?! I feel like talking to Herb again would create tension in my relationship with Austin. I entertained the idea… thought it would be fun to chit chat with Herb, but then I remembered that the last time I talked to him, I insulted him by telling him that prescription anti-depressants fuck you up - which, I experienced with my dad… and he got offended. Then I proceeded to make a YouTube video with a song I wrote about him and sent it to him and never heard from him again… I asked my dad why I should talk to him and he said, “You need closure.” I thought I already had that? I thought I already got closure by writing that song and letting him go! This was two years ago, pretty much EXACTLY the same date as today. Well, November, but so close anyways. After rewatching the video, I ended the song with “I want to be friends with you, do you want to be friends with me too?” *forehead slap* of course. I left it open. As I asked for a sign to contact him, the song Cameos by The Swimming Tapes came on:


“another night since I saw you last, the time spent on the phone, and I’ve been digging up the past, the cameos of us… send me pictures by the lake… still miles apart again… And we can't change the past... Just let it go” A song all about a relationship that never worked and ended up being long distance… only to fall apart. Just let it go….


Later I forgot about some of this as I made dinner and played guitar for awhile. I decided to play the song he would sing and play for me when we first met. Little Black Submarines by the Black Keys. I think it was the second time I went over to his house, he played his prized Taylor guitar for me, finger picking the beginning and singing this song to me. Basil was chilling with us too, we were laughing at the rotting fruit in his mini fridge. For some reason, this really stuck with me for ages. A guy playing guitar for me. Like wowie! I’m such a sucker for anyone who can play an instrument, its so admirable. So, I decided to play and sing the song on the guitar to his profile picture on FB. It was very releasing for me, though quite silly (and maybe a bit stalkerish…?? I promise I’m not this creepy in real life haha!)!! The song repeats, “and everybody knows that a broken heart is blind…” which seems significant to me in some way… Like, my heart was broken the whole time we were close friends because he was dating someone who had no desire to meet me, and hated my guts. Probably because I ended up falling hard (though I never ever admitted it at the time.) I think Herb felt the same way but never said anything either, he just dated a cunt (his words not mine). I immediately felt better and felt like this heart stabbing feeling lifted off me. I set out an intention - if he so happens to contact me and say hello, how are you, I’ll chit chat. But I’m not initiating anything this time. If this whole situation with the dream was meant for me to contact him then I’ll see a HUGE sign, or run into him in town, or something so profound that there’s no way it could be just a coincidence. Sometimes these old memories come up so we can process them and release them - which is what I’m leaning towards here. I just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you journal. Thank you readers.


Besides this inner drama with Herb, the dream to me shared that I woke up in a new reality. This new life I’ve been wishing to manifest for years. One where I am self employed, running my own business (which is an Etsy store and selling my self published books on Amazon!) and THRIVING so I can travel, save for my own property, and I want to retire my mom. Lol. Such a silly new desire I have but I feel like she deserves it and I want her to be able to travel like she wants to!! “Waking up after 5 years.” Honestly, I’ve felt a huge shift, like turning the cover for a new book to open. A new book, a new story, a new life.


So, the moral of all stories is a lesson. What is this teaching me? Well, at the time Herb was a much needed friend to me. Someone I could trust, someone I could rely on, and a guy who wasn’t after me like all the other sex hungry mongoloids. He introduced me to a lot of music that inspires my personal music today. He taught me how to let loose and have some fun! Looking back on it… he helped me through some really tough times (like my encounter with one of those sex hungry mongoloids that took advantage of me in his basement) and the grueling process of college. Now… The lesson in this today… remember the past but don’t get hung up on it. Visit, but don’t stay. Choose to remember the good times and find lessons in the bad. And, sometimes people will be in your life for a little while, send you on your way and you might never see them again. It’s okay to grieve that, and that’s what I did for a short while.

Like always, I enjoy giving you an exercise to do - if this kind of thing is relatable to you. We’ve all had things in our lives that have made a big impact on who we are today. Sometimes we can accept and let go, others we need to do some inner work to heal to move on. Below is a short exercise you can do to help let go of your hang ups. I do this often (and often fill up countless journals in the process XD


If you’ve had something bothering you lately, like a memory or some sort of relationship, decide to dig deeper and ask yourself “why” it is rocking your boat. Here’s a short activity you can use to let go of what’s shaking you like a maraca:


  • Sit in a quiet place with your journal. Preferably nature, but it could be your own sacred space. Close your eyes and take 10 deep breaths to center yourself.

  • Imagine gold light coming into your head and out your feet, filtering out anything that isn’t serving you anymore. Breathe this light into your belly and release it out of your feet. Let everything go that is distracting you, but if you find random thoughts entering your head, allow them to float over you like clouds going by.

  • Ask yourself “Why is this bothering me? Why am I feeling this emotional reaction towards this thing, person, past event?” Write down what comes to you immediately.

  • You can continue to ask the question and receive, or you can continue writing what flows through. Do your best to be non-judgemental towards yourself -and- find resolution in your writing. What is this teaching you? What are you getting from this?

  • This part is optional, but powerful. Tear out the page. Take a match and burn the paper. Think of this as letting it go completely, like how a Phoenix burns itself and rises anew from its ashes.

  • Thank yourself for practicing this today. Give yourself a hug, allow yourself to release if you need to. Crying is great for you… think of crying as your tears filled with your traumas and releasing them into the Earth, watering new plants to life.


Letting go can sometimes be hard, but it makes you so much lighter. A light heart allows you to roam around care free, like the light being you’re truly meant to be.

I hope you enjoyed this post, thank you for listening to my story! Sometimes what heals us the most is someone to listen to you speak it through without responding to you. You know, like open ears - listening unconditionally and giving you 100% attention.


I love you guys!


Ashley

P.S. - if you need a new journal, I got you covered! Click here!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIGWArkvRsw&feature=youtu.be