My apologies for missing the last several days of writing to you. They've been filled with rollercoasters of emotions, but what is new in the life of constant mental health checks? The weekend was wonderful, Monday was magical, and then it all switched gears. I find it challenging to talk about mental health and trauma; I've been through so much in my life and oftentimes it comes up at unexpected times, just when I think I'm over it. Is it processing? Or is it out to haunt me? Being out in nature definitely helps, and my am I blessed to be able to do that daily.
I feel hesitant to share what is going on with anybody for the fear of attracting friends or people to pity me & I don't want to be that emotional burden to someone. I don't want people to be in my life because they feel sorry for me. I want people to be in my life because they genuinely love me and can accept me for who I am. I really don't know how to talk about what's going on, I suppose I'm just having a "relationships checkup" in my life and realized that my visions for being home and spending time with certain people was going to be a certain way - and then being completely disappointed when reality is otherwise. My heart feels broken in a way that cuts deep like a knife and I'm finding it challenging to accept the reality of it. Some people, even therapists say that your own personal family is who you choose to include in it, and part of me feels hopeful with that statement and the other part full of grief. Someday I can have a family, and I look forward to that (ten years down the line...) but what about now? I'm feeling lonely in ways that most of those in my life cannot fulfill, yet where can I find a new family, a new group of those kindred spirits? I don't want to be lonely anymore.
Despite all of this, I've learned that bad mental health days don't have to be bad at all. Feeling a certain way inside doesn't dictate what happens on the outside. There's always a healthy way to allow yourself to feel those *less desirable* emotions and continue on with the things you love, even if they don't feel like they're helping. These things for me are foraging (of course), painting, gardening, plants, writing, & creative projects. It helps to stay active, and busy if it feels right. Some days look different than others. It is all okay, and acceptable, and valid.
Some old wounds were reopened yesterday and just rattle me to the core. The three main things that haunt me, the stories came up again and my inner child grieves. Being a burden on the people who are supposed to care for you. Doing your best in every aspect in your life to please the one you love so much, only to be told over and over that it isn't good enough for them, to keep practicing. That suffering the way they did is the only way to make it in the world (a sick and manipulative form of forced empathy). The constant dissatisfaction and abuse I've been through as a kid. I was quiet, too quiet growing up, and it was for these reasons. Nobody ever knew what I went through. I regret not sharing what happened to me with people, it just made me... very alone. I was so scared of what would happen if I did. And I suppose in a way I feel that way now. I've heard that the wounds are where the light can enter into you. It sure doesn't feel that way, but I can hope and believe that this will happen.
I've been too loving and unconditional with people who don't deserve it from me, and while it feels good on the surface to be this way, it serves no one. You can feel the frosting sliding off the lump of coal in the presence of certain people, and it just feels wrong. Energy and intuition are such powerful things, I always say to listen to them, but sometimes I don't listen to myself and my heart breaks.
I wrote a few passages last night in the midst of my grief. I hope if anything it is relatable to someone, and even though things may feel terrible, they can get better and they will. Hope is a powerful thing, like a light that can get you through a dark forest.
"What does being free to be yourself get you
If you don’t even get to feel good about doing it?
When the beings of the past constantly remind you
That you must suffer like them?"
"It sucks hanging out with people who are supposed to love you
But it feels weird being with them
Like they don’t accept you
But they’re the only people you have"
"The silence is just a reminder of all of the things felt in the air but left unsaid"
I never like to write poetry like this, but it felt good to. Allowing the emotions to flow out creatively in an art form. It makes me wonder if writing music this way would help me. All I have with music right now is grief. Oi.
Forgive me friends, for writing so solemnly tonight. I just wanted to explain where I've been, and I hope to be able to write every night still. I want to, I want to commit, but some nights I just... can't.
Sending you love and hugs,