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A Post about Sobriety & More Mindful living

Hey guys,

I feel like I have a lot to say, to speak about, though I find it challenging to even do so! I've been working on myself and my impulsive behaviors since the new year and my life is going through a major transition. Somewhere in 2021 I found myself walking down a path I'm not too proud of, and I sort of feel ugly about it. Often I'm being told to be gentle with myself and to forgive myself - absolutely! I love myself regardless of what happened, though I see it had to happen that way or things wouldn't have been able to realign. Perhaps I'll share a bit more.

Life got really hard for me after my dad died. It was confusing and at times debilitating dealing with not only grief of losing the closest person spiritually to me, but also having to re-write my trauma stories of life with him as a kid. I was faced with a whole new world in front of me and possibilities I didn't know I'd get to experience, especially in this way. When he died, I was in a sticky situation, mostly with my own self-worth and self-esteem. There was a choice in front of me - to stay stuck and continue to live in an environment that wasn't right for me, or to move away, the hard way, and use the support that was gifted to me to start a new life for myself and my family. I felt guilty for how the opportunity for a new life came about, I didn't "work hard for the money," it was gracefully passed on to me, like a gentle "thank you" for all of the years & time I spent with my dad who suffered from clinical depression. I never wanted to experience or live in what he had to go through, working a corporate job with totally unreasonable standards. Being so empathetic, I could feel his pain and even experienced it in his outbursts, so that is why I dedicated the career part of my life towards working for myself and being an "artist of many mediums."

My career on a 3D, old-matrix-paradigm level may appear, well, like a failure. To be honest I haven't made much income from what I do, and it drives my ego crazy. She just wants to show and prove that this path is worth it, measured by how much she can bring in. She decided to work long hours, to sell her soul to algorithms and social media, and created beautiful goals but with rushed deadlines. She wants to be able to pay her own way in her life as soon as possible to relieve this guilt of being free, though it isn't flowing in like she imagined it would by this time. I've been in a sort of conflict with her. In the beginning, things were much slower. I didn't have a website, or much of a YouTube channel, but it was fun and fulfilling to be new at all of this. As the years went on, it became more draining because I wasn't growing as fast as I (ego) wanted to. Adventures Across started in 2017, so it's been around 4.5 years. Part of me just wanted to show my dad that this path is worth it, because he always pushed on me that making money was important. And it absolutely is. Though what nobody tells you is that a life's work is just that - it unfolds in a lifetime. For me it's a process of constant discovery, tweaking, and fulfilling projects that will probably never end.

On a 5D level, things are shifting and blossoming beautifully. Much of my work is done with beings in other realms, angels, star races, fairies. Something I needed to do was dedicate much of my time to strengthening my clair-senses and intuition, therefore 2021 was spent outdoors basking in the sun and using time to go on deep meditative journeys. So many beings came to me in 2021 and I haven't had the chance to write about it all yet! I've been perusing my photos for the zines I create and am surprised by how many light beings showed up in them. Awakening to past lives & lives in other star systems has been a monumental discovery too, before I didn't realize how many lives a soul could live but it seems to be infinite. I'm still going through this process now and it is like an ever unfolding flower. I'm excited to share more when I'm ready.

Living in this cabin in the woods has been healing and isolating. I find peace in most days by spending my time creating art, playing music, cooking and writing by the fire, though just like all human beings we need human interaction... and I get lonely sometimes. Without this space I wouldn't have had the quiet my soul needed to process, heal, feel joy, and explore as it did here. I'm immensely grateful to live in a transitional place like this.

The whole process to getting to this cabin was a painful mess for me emotionally. I needed stillness and privacy to fully process the loss of my dad, the bullshit I dealt with in Sedona, and living in a noisy city didn't help me much. While I was there, the city & Sedona, I would leave for half the day to lay in the grass in some forest and spend time with nature. Nature is always my healing place.

When we finally did move into the cabin, I decided that I was going to pick up cannabis again. I've written a whole book about weed and my experiences with it, concluding that it was a substance I could easily abuse, though I wanted to let myself rest and go to another place for awhile. So, I let myself and it was fine for months, but that niggling notion always stuck on me like a tick. I always knew that I didn't need substances to make me happy, and I knew that getting into pot wasn't for my highest good, though I just let go of my standards to relax. My astral chart report even expressed bluntly that I needed to stay away from mind-altering substances! (Neptune in Pisces...) My daily habits didn't change, I still fulfilled everything I needed to, though that paranoia that often comes with smoking and sensitive souls slowly creeped in and made me terrified of everything. My ego inflated and I couldn't see anything clearly. Something I didn't want to fall for but did was that victim mindset that is being projected to us right now. It's definitely easier to be a victim than to be an empowered sovereign being, but who wants to live that way?

Austin was with me on this smoking-boat, an instigator perhaps, which made it harder for me to express to him that maybe we should quit... By the beginning of summer I saw a problem beginning to boil up for us and our relationship though I was too scared to tell him we needed to do something, to quit this habit. So I stayed quiet and allowed things to play out. And play out they did, I was surprised by what happened within our misty mindsets and truly hope we never have to experience this pattern again.

December 23 was the first day we decided to go sober together. We both quit cold turkey and both had to be there with each other to face the full spectrum of suppressed emotions. Right before Christmas and charging into a storm without any of our armor. It was always easier for us to hit the pipe or smoke out of a one-hitter before going into family events, and it totally was our clinking armor in stressful situations. Needless to say, the holidays were a bit tumultuous emotionally for me, having to say a bunch of things I suppressed before but I finally had the courage to say, even if it was a jibbering mess! This is when my fears started phasing away and the calm ocean began to sparkle in the sunlight.

I have to face "coming out of the starseed closet" and to bring my life into the physical more. It is easy to hide behind a computer screen and to make videos, but how many of us actually go out there and talk about these things with physical people? For me it started on Christmas and facing the fear, allowing myself to feel comfortable around my relatives who've read all my books. I was afraid they'd shun me or cast me away for openly expressing these things about other star races, but I was met with deep love and acceptance. I was totally in a place of surrender, my heart was open to courageously take anything that came at me, and I received soul love that I couldn't feel behind the fear. It didn't end there.

As I started taking my life off the internet more and more, people started showing up in my physical life in my tiny town. I mentioned earlier that it took me a long time to come out in my community and to show myself in all my cosmic-glory. Before, I would usually just visit the grocery store, or shop locally and make small talk, but I didn't try to go to any groups or events. To be fair, nothing peaked my interest and nothing resonated at the time, so the Universe was just preparing me in that time by helping me let go of things that made having relationships difficult. And my I sure went through a lot of inner work before this moment! We attended a health talk and out of nowhere met a ton of people, people that felt like soul friends.

I went to a tea party at someone's house who didn't use cell phones, the internet, or computers. Austin asked him why he didn't use them and his response shocked me, though I knew it all to be true. It was in that moment that I decided to take the leap and to get off of social media. Keeping Facebook is personal for community events and connections, though I really got to thinking, why do we share so much of ourselves on social media? Why the hell do we post on stories so much on IG? And even daily updates, like... why do we do that? Why not keep a personal journal, or print out our photos, create for us and not for likes and comments? To find self fulfillment without telling the world about it? To actually feel what it feels like to appreciate ourselves without needing validation from people of the internet? Many of them we may not even know, or funny enough, not even like!!

Since this new friend couldn't experience my photography that he was genuinely interested in and I was excited to share, he inspired me to go out and to thrift some photo albums, and to use my art-printer that isn't being used for print sales right now to create a rendition of my favorite snapshots over the years. It's been a couple-week unfolding, and I find so much more fulfillment and enjoyment in this slow process than scheduling photos on IG that literally nobody sees or cares about. I can open up my photo albums and appreciate my work, all of the moments in each photo, and the joy I had while flittering around the flowery fields at the time of colorful capture. It also gave me an idea to start doing in-person print on demand sales for my photography and art prints. New avenues are opening up!

I was using social media for business reasons though I found myself spending more time posting, answering comments, etc. than actually creating art. Living in a remote cabin, I felt lonely at times wishing I had people to spend time with, which is why I didn't have a problem showing up on livestreams daily and constantly being on social media. Eventually, this became unfulfilling for me and I could feel my soul draining from me and into the screen. My lovely spirit started to feel... energy vampired. I realized when I quit posting on social media that I had a major addiction to instant gratification, and put aside long term projects to fulfill my insatiable desire to "make it" on social media. To grow my audience. But I wasn't even appreciating the audience I had fully. This internet world has been confusing for me and I can get easily caught up in the statistics and analytics, the hype of it all.

After dropping social media, more people started coming into my life. It was then that my soul told me it was time to leave YouTube and the 4 year weekly posting streak I had going. This, was excruciating for me to let go of. Often, I'd make videos when I didn't want to, or would make videos about things I knew would get a lot of views but my heart wasn't in it. Sometimes I'd even "batch create" videos and schedule them for a month or two so I could get a break to maybe work on bigger projects (I didn't because I was so tired.) I got lost in this sea of content and part of my soul went with it. Making weekly videos became totally draining to me, but I had a hard time letting it go because I worked so hard to get to where I was. I put a lot of time into YouTube even though the platform didn't give me any monetary value in return. I guess my idea of "career" needs to have income... you know? I felt uncomfortable asking my viewers for donations because YouTube wouldn't monetize me, but I didn't feel right putting ads in front of people because I block the ads myself; but it seemed like the only way unless they wanted to buy my art. This too was confusing for me and my emotions got the best of me. I knew this had to end because of the censoring, shadow banning, and lack of help from YouTube - and I know my guides were pushing me away from it because it has become so unfulfilling. It's just... not for me anymore. I'm not proud of how I ended it, though I honor myself for the courage it took to speak my truth in my last video before telling YouTube goodbye.

After leaving YouTube, I was invited to a group in my area where we get together to talk about creating life in 5D. Again, I was totally blown away to be sharing time and space around a fire with other people, my neighbors, talking about shadow work and 5D living. In real life. Pleidians even came up and the group facilitator openly shared messages and info about their wisdom. After the gathering, I was surprised to be talking with her about star races, for her to recognize the tattoo on my wrist as being a Sirian symbol, and to browse a book full of orbs and their meanings, comparing them to the orbs that show up in my photos.

One of my life goals is to be a performing musician and to play in a band. I've felt like a maestro with a pile of instruments and no one to play with. It took so much out of me to continuously show up with patience and practice by myself, but it's starting to pay off. Austin has been going through his own version of waking up to mindful living after casting out toxic behaviors in his life too, and one morning woke up with the intuitive calling to trade in his guitar for a banjo & harmonica. I can't even believe what is happening now. A completely music illiterate person picks up instruments he's more aligned with and can, within one week of owning it, play a song with me all the way through, with a little guidance from what I know about it but mostly because it is his soul coming through. I always looked outside of the people in my life to play music with, a faraway group of people who I wasn't worthy of, yet here I was singing my heart out and playing music with Austin in our spare room, his mouth wailing on the harmonica with a soulful slide, and a smile wide on my face for how unbelievable this miracle was. I was actually having fun playing music again, my heart could hardly believe it.

None of this would have happened if I didn't give up the things I was addicted to to exchange for more mindful living. When we let go of the old, it makes room for the new. When we allow the old to fall away, gracefully or perhaps in my case tumultuously, there is room, a void that gets filled with new possibilities manifest into reality. That quantum field of infinite possibilities you hear about? We can literally latch on to a higher timeline the moment we drop a lower one. I've been experiencing this, and... how cool it's been!